An Open (Cease and Desist) Letter to Snow

Dear Snow, This is a CEASE AND DESIST ORDER drafted by my esteemed free online attorney and edited by myself. It is to inform you that your persistent actions including but not limited to falling from the sky pretty much daily, piling on my lawn, my walk, my head, my sofa, and my burrito, filling my gutters, which overhang with your drool, trapping my car by recklessly jamming yourself beneath its fine chassis, and freezing to the faces of all the bearded men and women everywhere, have become unbearable. You are ORDERED TO STOP such activities immediately as they are being done in violation of the law.

I have the right to remain free from these activities as they constitute harassment, bullying, and maybe even treason, and I will pursue any legal remedies available to me against you if these activities continue. These remedies include but are not limited to: contacting whomever your leader is (God and/or the devil?) to obtain criminal sanctions against you, suing you and Suzy Snowflake (bitch, stop tapping at my windowpane) civilly for damages I have incurred as a result of your actions, and filing a restraining order against Mother Nature. (I am not afraid to go Judge Judy on her ass if that’s what we’ve come to.)

Again, you must IMMEDIATELY STOP pretending to be God’s freeze dried tears of sorrow. Stop closing the schools so those little bastards run rampant all day while I am shoveling your carcass off the walk yet again, frozen drips of snot clinging to my nose, windswept tears washing the crust from my eyes as I attempt to prevent being named in yet another slip and fall liability suit. Stop pretending to be pretty when you know you have really let yourself go, turning from a charming Holiday dusting to a gray heaping pile of no good dirty slush hiding the neighbors’ frozen dog turds. You risk incurring some very severe legal consequences if you fail to comply with this demand.

This letter acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted conduct before I pursue legal actions against you. At this time, I am not contacting the authorities or Satan or filing civil suit against you or the Winter Warlock. Is he the one behind all this, what with his icy heart? I’ll send him a toy train and we can be done with this charade! I hope we can resolve this matter without authoritative involvement. I am not under any circumstances, however, waiving any legal rights I have presently, or future legal remedies against you by sending you this letter. This order acts as ONE FINAL CHANCE for you to cease your illegal activities before I exercise my rights.

To ensure compliance with this letter and to halt any legal action I may take against you I require you to return confirmation back to me within 10 days of your receipt of this letter. Failure to do so will act as evidence of your infringement upon my legal rights, and I will immediately seek legal avenues to remedy the situation. (Have you ever seen a shovel on fire? My snow blower is filled with gas, my boots are filled with ice and my heart is filled with fury. See you in court.)


The Midwest, USA

cc: The Northeast, The South, parts of Canada, and maybe some of those Western states, but probably not